Checklist of Unhealthy Relationship Skills
| Yell | Argue | Use sarcasm |
| Criticize | Lecture | Raise my eyebrows |
| Say "Tsk Tsk" | Explain | Whine |
| Shake my head | Become self-righteous | Shrug my shoulders |
| Roll my eyes | Blame | Throw things |
| Get irritated | Complain | Tell my feelings |
| Accuse back | Justify | Withdraw angrily |
| Pout | Judge | Be a know-it-all |
| Become ill | Flatter | Interpret |
| Be sneaky, deceptive | Interrogate | Teach |
| Lie, withhold truth | Deny | Analyze |
| Therapize | Talk them out of their feelings | |
| Be a nice guy/gal | Push partner into therapy | |
| Give gifts with strings attached | Ask leading questions | Nag |
| Take responsibility for others | Scowl | Give advice |
| Moralize | Bribery | Change the subject |
| Be short, curt | Hit | Interrupt |
| Point things out without being asked |
Be indispensable | Get angry |
I use:
| The silent treatment | Blaming tears | Disapproving looks |
| Temper tantrums | Disapproving sighs | "Poor me" tears |
| Put downs | A superior attitude | Abandonment |
I use threats of:
| Financial withdrawal | Emotional withdrawal | Exposure to others |
| Sexual withdrawal | Illness | Violence |
| Suicide | Abandonment |
2. Ways I use to shut down, withdraw or ignore my partner:
| Work | Pornography | Reading |
| Drugs/Alcohol | TV | Sports |
| Hobbies | Children | Friends |
| Illness | Food | Sleep |
| Meditation | Storytelling | Fantasizing |
| Spending Money | Worrying | Daydreaming |
3. Ways I comply when others try to control me:
| I don't ask for what I want. | I don't say anything. | ||
| I say it's OK, when it's not. | I don't express my opinion. | ||
| I agree with whatever others say | I give up my own dreams and goals. | ||
| I go along with whatever people want me to do | I give up what I want to do. | ||
| I don't stand up for myself. | I give away my power. | ||
| I postpone talking about problems | I do things to please others and get confused about what I want. | ||
| I take the easy way out. | I censor my wants and feelings. | ||
| I rescue others while ignoring my own needs. | I second guess or anticipate what others want. | ||
| I downplay my needs. | |||
| I give in for now, thinking I won't have to next time. | I tell myself what I want isn't important. | ||
| I tell myself that giving in is no big deal. | I tell myself that what I want is wrong. | ||
| I tell myself that it's not worth the battle. | I tell myself that I don't deserve it. | ||
| I tell myself that it's worth it to get them to shut up. | I tell myself that it's better to give in than hurt their feelings. | ||
4. Ways I rebel when someone tries to control me:
| I say I'll do what he/she wants and then I don't do it. | I do the opposite of what he/she wants. | ||
| I explain, defend or get mad. | |||
| I get make the other person wrong for asking. | I say I'll do it, then fail to show up. | ||
| I procrastinate. | |||
| I act helpless or incompetent. | I get sick. | ||
| I get apathetic. | I give to pets or friends what the person asked of me | ||
| I am unable to understand. | |||
| I do it, but only half-way. | I do it wrong on purpose. | ||
| I find some way to sabotage. | I pretend not to hear. | ||
| I'm not open to learning. | I'm disinterested. | ||
| I won't make a commitment. | I bail at the last minute. |
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Phone: 509.532.9250
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E-mail: Adrienne@WilsonBly.com
All original graphics and text are
copyrighted © 2004 by Adrienne Wilson-Bly,
and may not be used without permission.
Last Updated - February, 2005